I hope it's not too late for New Year's resolutions.

Well, I’m always a few days late for this, no surprise.

So I’m gonna be 22 this year, and something tells me I’m the kind who holds on tight to the past and them memories. Be it friendships, love, the people I lost and the people I’ve grown distant to. Sometimes in life we have to learn to accept things and just let go. 

So I’ve came up with a list of things I planned to do not only in this year, but this goes beyond that.

My parents are getting older, I never really realizes this before but they are. My dad is gonna be 63 this year and my mum 59. Alhamdulillah Allah has given them good healthy life together. My dad is not as strong as he was a few years ago, he often complains about his aching body parts, and my mum is not as healthy as she might looks like with her high-blood pressure and diabetes. I feel the need to spend more time with them, to never take them for granted, to appreciate them more. I love these two people to death and the thought of losing them one day is too unbearable. But growing up is too time-consuming. I need all the time in the world for my studies and I cannot always be with them. Whatever it is now, when applicable, family comes first.

Then my life. I’m tired of being average. I want to be different, be really great at something. In academic, I want to be that girl who’s genius in programming. She’s responsible, reliable, and diligent. Socially, I want to be that girl whose personality, confidence and wittiness charms everyone in her life. She’s so positive and brave and strong. She takes chances and never gives up. Obstacles in life do not scare her away, nor drags her down. 

Before 25,
I want to finish my Degree with CGPA higher than 3.6 .
I want to be someone respectable in my organization.
Secure a dream job with my qualifications.
I want to have a steady boyfriend, who wants to get married to me, and vice versa of course. I’m never the kind of girl who’s into flings and, the temporary ‘no-pressure’ kind of relationship. I’m into the permanent love, which never goes away, never gets old. I don’t mind going through the difficulties of starting a life with someone, cuz , we’re young and stuffs.
I do want to pursue my master’s degree in the USA, California specifically, just because. But that is only happening if I get like a really good CGPA, see? I really have to study hard!
I want to do countless researches about anything Cosmetics at a molecular/genetic level.
I want to take chances more.
I want to  do something new, something I’ve never done before, like a pageant or anything cheesy like that.
And yes I’ve said this a million times, I do want to shed a few kilos off.

I want to do a lot of things and with that comes responsibilities, danger, risks and many obstacles. I’ll never trade off my values, and as always, knowing my boundaries would help, know what’s right and what’s wrong. InsyaAllah.. 

Rebuilding

After reading old conversations of me and him, I realized how much deeply in love I was. I never felt anything like this towards anyone else before. I loved him with all my heart, with all my guts, with all my might.
Everything just seems effortless with him, he makes me feel so damn special. Like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
And then *boom it ended. Just, like, that. After nearly 4 years, never a day without each other.
To be honest, I'm scared to move on. I don't know what to do now. I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel attractive.
I can't go back to him, he broke my heart too many times. I'm not stupid, I know the differences when someone made an honest mistake or when he's really determined to hurt me. Crossed all borders of unfaithfulness and just lied to me over and over.
I may have hurt him, may have made him cry.. Only because I was hurt first. But I've never been unfaithful, or lied like how he did. And I have never, stopped loving him.

Truth is, I got really hurt. I'm trying not to get hurt again. I want to start over, find someone new, but a part of me doesn't want to let go. That part wants me to stop trying, that part blames me for everything. I feel like I'm stuck.

How can you move on when you thought it was real? How can you move on after giving your heart away like that? How can you move on, with the thought of him as the 'love of your life' being inside of your head for the longest time? How can you? How can he just disappear? How can he just move on so easily??

I cant. Memories keep on replaying by repeat in front of my eyes, and I just miss everything, the way he used to be in my arms. His smell, which I can easily recognize, the way he wraps his arms around me. The way we could talk for hours. The way he laughs.. The way he makes me feel when I'm with him. How I was when I'm with him. How he just, so effortlessly tore down my walls and protected me from my fears.

These walls are now rebuilding. I don't know who can help me bring down these walls. I don't know if anyone can. It's now taller and stronger, that's for sure. Inside there's my heart, crippled and broken. Thrown away and bashed. It breaks every time I think of you.

I may appear as this strong girl, but that's just my mask. Tell me why shouldn't I build these walls? Tell me why should I open up my heart? Tell me..

Can I put my trust on you, stranger..?

Sincerely, Me. 

A new beginning.

For every sunset, will come sunrise.
Here's me hoping for a new beginning.
In this life where there are risks,
you can't help but to embrace.
And growing up seems so arduous,
as you try to hold on as much as you can,
to faint memories as they fade away.
Sometimes we forget that things go wrong,
and people change.
In every breath we take,
we feel these changes in ourselves too.
Sometimes it's our faith, sometimes it's our sorrow.
Sometimes it's everything and nothing at once.

Taking risks often leads to agony.
Somehow 'moving on' sounds so over-used.
Without us knowing how to, we try and we try.
But only time is that great healer of all miseries.
We don't surrender, we fight!
For your soul is too precious to just lay down and die.
So wake up, my friend.
Life is meant for those who deserve it!