Rebuilding

After reading old conversations of me and him, I realized how much deeply in love I was. I never felt anything like this towards anyone else before. I loved him with all my heart, with all my guts, with all my might.
Everything just seems effortless with him, he makes me feel so damn special. Like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
And then *boom it ended. Just, like, that. After nearly 4 years, never a day without each other.
To be honest, I'm scared to move on. I don't know what to do now. I don't feel good about myself, I don't feel attractive.
I can't go back to him, he broke my heart too many times. I'm not stupid, I know the differences when someone made an honest mistake or when he's really determined to hurt me. Crossed all borders of unfaithfulness and just lied to me over and over.
I may have hurt him, may have made him cry.. Only because I was hurt first. But I've never been unfaithful, or lied like how he did. And I have never, stopped loving him.

Truth is, I got really hurt. I'm trying not to get hurt again. I want to start over, find someone new, but a part of me doesn't want to let go. That part wants me to stop trying, that part blames me for everything. I feel like I'm stuck.

How can you move on when you thought it was real? How can you move on after giving your heart away like that? How can you move on, with the thought of him as the 'love of your life' being inside of your head for the longest time? How can you? How can he just disappear? How can he just move on so easily??

I cant. Memories keep on replaying by repeat in front of my eyes, and I just miss everything, the way he used to be in my arms. His smell, which I can easily recognize, the way he wraps his arms around me. The way we could talk for hours. The way he laughs.. The way he makes me feel when I'm with him. How I was when I'm with him. How he just, so effortlessly tore down my walls and protected me from my fears.

These walls are now rebuilding. I don't know who can help me bring down these walls. I don't know if anyone can. It's now taller and stronger, that's for sure. Inside there's my heart, crippled and broken. Thrown away and bashed. It breaks every time I think of you.

I may appear as this strong girl, but that's just my mask. Tell me why shouldn't I build these walls? Tell me why should I open up my heart? Tell me..

Can I put my trust on you, stranger..?

Sincerely, Me.